I mentioned recently that years ago I worked for a Camden wine company and my desk faced the street, which was quite a good way to waste time staring out at the passing people (I nearly wrote 'trade' then which would have been a bit dubious really). I was there for quite a few years; I hadn't long been driving and it was an easy car ride from home to there, lots of parking space in the yard, the company had a Mayfair wine bar at which we could spend the evening once a fortnight with the bill 'on the house', a young and friendly staff and of course good wine at trade prices.
One gloomy day came when the boss decided it would be more cost-effective to buy a bonded warehouse and it was announced that the offices would be closing and we were all to relocate to Barking in Essex. Now this didn't really suit me - I liked it where we were and I elected to stay behind and got duly included in the package for the new owners (I worked in the sales office but really could do pretty much most office work that was required). I met the new team, they seemed quite okay. They were a video film company and had a shop in Covent Garden selling equipment. The Camden premises would be used for the shooting of educational films and developing techniques for filming rock concerts and the like. Two full edit suites got installed; one of the bigger offices had so much equipment in it was almost impossible to get in and out of it, but I guess when two huge beds got delivered I should maybe have begun to be a little bit suspicious.
Yes, it was a porn film company that had bought the premises and I was the innocent face at the reception desk. Male and female 'actors' would come along each day and in the end I took to wearing earplugs to try and stop the groaning that would come from the back office, because it was really distracting when you were actually trying to work. Nothing is more off-putting when you are handling a busy diary than faint orgasmic screams in the distance. They were too stingy to adequately soundproof the place - I suppose they reckoned the money was better spent on hiring the best bodies around. I got a friend of mine a job as a camera man and he kept me in the loop with the gossip; I had no urge to see any films being made but I was interested in all the chit chat associated with them.
After three months I had had enough and went to have a chat with the boss. He agreed I could go and work in the Covent Garden shop selling the video equipment. This however turned out to be one of the worst jobs I have ever had. I didn't understand what I was selling and after the first miserable week when I could not answer a single thing that customers asked I gave in my notice. Ages later I read in the paper that the owner's house and business premises had been raided and he had been charged with a number of offences relating to the running of brothels, the importation of hard-core porn from Scandinavia and the production of his own hard-core films. I'm so glad I wasn't still working there - oh the shame, the shame.
39 comments:
Best headline of the week! Lovely story. Smiles and admiration for your style from over here.
Sounds a lot better than my job... dealing with malfunctioning toilets is never good and the sound effects aren't half as interesting to listen to...! ;-)
What an interesting life you've led!
I'm with Dumdad about your "interesting" life. I'd say "fascinating," but this latest revelation is, well, je ne sais quois.
At least you survived.
ah, fodder for writing material then!
marc - hello you. Thank you and what's more it's all true
Steve - ah, but as office manager in my last London job I did have to deal with a lt of yucky stuff. Maybe not actually unblocking toilets but telling certain members of staff they had BO.
Dumdad - ah, the stories I could tell...
Rob - I had some scary moments in my twenties but, yes, I got through them almost unscathed. I think my parents had a lot of worry though - one of my lasting regrets.
Vera - The current OU assignment is an autobiographical piece - that is what has revived a lot of memories for me. It's been funny and painful in equal measure. Writing as therapy.
Now that's a job not just anyone can say they've had! I like how you put quotes around "actors". hee.
This post really made smile this Monday lunchtime. Great story and well written FF. I must tell it to my actress friend Alison tonight. No, not that kind of 'actress'. lol
So they don't fake it then...
FF, that's so funny! And who'd have thought that our angst of days gone by would one day be written about for all the world to see! There's nothing like a good story.
willow - Whoever would have thought that all our crazy youth experiences would be such good blogger fodder in the years to come?
Phil - Some of these 'actors' were such nice people you would never have guessed how they made a living
Delana - exactly! I've got so many funny anecdotes from years ago. The thing is that so many of them sound so far-fetched I could be accused of pure fiction (only I never lie on my blog)
FF that is hysterical, just goes to show that life is stranger than fiction.
The vision of you wearing earplugs, Oh so funny.
FF this is a brilliant post.
XX
I lived in Hollywood for several years. That was almost like living in a porn business. Somethings it was difficult knowing if what you were seeing was real or part of a movie and the cameras were hidden away somewhere.
Dash - I was recently in touch with the old friend that I helped get the job as camera man for the films (although he ended up doing more on the rock concert side of things than the breathy stuff). He said that a lot of people thought I had a hearing problem because of the ear plugs. I wish someone had mentioned it at the time.
Pobox - I'd love to hear some of the Hollywood tales. I passed through there briefly during an LA holiday but didn't see anything risque - just tourists or hookers.
Gosh, FF, its almost like something out of Boogie Nights. Wasn't Burt Reynolds directing, was it? Surprised they didn't ask you if you fancied a career in "showbiz". You could have been the next Linda Lovelace.
Don't blame you for not wanting to go to Barking. xxxx
Now that is a story! Pity about the demise of the wine job, it sounded fantastic...
I bet your camera man friend couldn't believe his luck..!
Sx
Well that WAS an interesting job...shame about the sound effects! Seems like you got out at just the right time though.
Fascinating post!
You should've asked if you could be a fluffer - think of the book you could've written about it.
Oh, not shameful at all, dear friend. This is stuff for the memoirs, and I can hardly wait to read them.
I agree with Dumdad; you have had an interesting life.
A great story... and very interesting and funny :-) ..
Blimey! Sounds like one of those jobs I could do...!!
CJ xx
Lol! That is so funny, and yes, you timed your exit well.
You should write a book, FF...Really!
What an adventure, FF! I think I would have had a terrible time trying not to laugh at the absurdity of it all, which would probably have gotten me fired right away ;)
I don't suppose you were there long enough for a company picnic or Christmas party? At least everyone, except you, knew why they were there. The model secretary at the Art Department used to get applications from young ladies who thought they'd be modeling clothes or cosmetics. You know, just trying to get a start on a fabulous modeling career.
Oh the shame.. and thank goodness for it, because this was just hilarious! Best post this week!
That made me smile; especially you typing away as the actors humped next door. What ever happened to your friend the cameraman I wonder?
Jen - I've never seen Boogie Nights, not sure if I want to now I think it could remind me of those far-off groans
Laura - the wine job was one of my favourites. The people were lovely, the wine bar (Downs of Mayfair) was small and cozy and a good space to be in, some of the customers were gorgeous and I met lots of nice people.
Scarlet - you wouldn't believe it but he preferred filming the rock concerts to filming the porno scenes. And do you know what - I never even got a freebie to one of these concerts. Bloody ungrateful sod - actually he is very nice and thanks to Facebook we have (sort of) buddied up again.
Ayak - I felt a bit like the innocent stooge when I found out and when I spoke to my previous boss he'd had no idea as to their true nature of the business.
Lulu - (wails) I don't know what a fluffer is - I must go and look (I feel all unworldly and innocent now)
Ian - the thing is that there are months of my life where it is really hard to recall what exactly happened. Now, I'm not saying illicit substances were taken but somehow my memory is very hazy - hence no memoirs
Thanks Anne of Oxon (that sounds such a stately name)
CJ - Yes, you could have done it, no problems. Um, we are talking sampling the wine here, aren't we? (in fact I did get loads of wine free but do you know the thing that made me the happiest?) When they moved off to Barking I was able to take all the half beer barrels that were decorating the courtyard and give them to my mum so she could plant them up with geraniums. I'd forgotten about that till this very second - blogging as a memory aid (can't beat it)
Alienne - I can't quite recall what I went on to do after this job. I've had some good ones though. (as in fund of anecdotes, not lots of cash)
e - Maybe I should but it would be fiction - nobody would believe my true life adventures
CT - When the new firm first moved in it all seemed very exciting. All the cameras and the sound equipment, the posters from the rock concerts they had filmed - musicians etc. After a month or so the porno side kicked in and I never felt very relaxed after that.
Larry - some of the girls that wandered in for the filming looked so young and sweet. They were probably the 'naughty schoolgirl' films. Glad you are still in the blogosphere
Fi - thank you sweetie
Mark - well, he is now working for Narcotics Anonymous but in his spare time he is still involved in concert shoots. I think the porn side of things was a five minute wonder for him - he got all the girls he wanted anyway.
Oh my! Don't know anyone besides you so near to actual porn stars.
In case you don't pop over to my blog, is it:
Where there's a will there's a way?
Angie - some of them were so sweet and cute and fresh looking. I guess that was their selling point.
Dumdad - nope, that's not it either. I must have a little play on google
This is almost too hot to handle. Most engaging!
But did you LEARN anything? :)
Thank you Paul
Miss Footloose - hello and welcome to the blog. I learnt that porno male stars are not necessarily handsome - it's not about the face.
Wow, that's a great story. You really must write about it. It could be a funny book and heaven knows we all need more of those; most every book I pick up lately is sad, depressing or hopeless. A Great blog you've got here. Best of luck with it.
Sounds like more than a "little shop of horror" - glad you made it out in time! ;-)
I makes for a good story, though.
Dianne - hello and welcome to the blog. You said such lovely things - thank you very much
Merisi - blogging about this has made me think about so many other odd things that have happened. Don't you find that once a memory trickles out the others just fall over begging to be brought to the fore?
This is the funniest, funist story I have read in a long time. I wonder if this comment will reach you FF.
I followed a link from a 2007 Parisbreakfast blog post! I now live in Paris but nothing quite so exciting has happened except for a tasting of 2 kilos of Caviar...how to reach you? 😀💌
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