You look like you are ready for bed.."
(On meeting an African leader wearing robes, date uncertain - reported to be in Nigeria 1956.)
"Are you sure you want to go ahead with this, old chap?.."
(To the future President Kenyatta at Kenya's official independence ceremony, 1963.)
"The bastards murdered half my family.."
(When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union, 1967.)
"We shall all be old one day - provided of course we can avoid being slaughtered on the roads or beaten up by some hooligan in a peace demonstration.."
(Quoted in the press, 1970.)
"Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed.."
(A comment during the UK's recession, 1981.)
"You must be out of your minds.."
(To Solomon Islanders, on being told that their population growth was 5% a year, 1982.)
"You are a woman aren't you?.."
(On receiving a gift from a Kenyan native woman, 1984.)
"If you stay here much longer you'll all be slitty-eyed.."
(To a group of British students in China, 1986.)
"Aren't most of you descended from pirates?.."
(To a Cayman Islander, date uncertain.)
"You can't have been here that long, you haven't got a potbelly yet.."
(To a British expat in Hungary, c.1990.)
"I am self-employed.."
(When replying to a question as to what type of work he did, c.1990.)
"You're not wearing mink knickers are you?.."
(To a fashion writer at a World Wildlife Fund event., 1993.)
"How do you keep the natives off the booze for long enough to pass their test?.."
(To a Scottish driving instructor in Oban, 1995.)
"You managed not to get eaten then?.."
(To a student who'd trekked in Papua New Guinea, 1998.)
"I don't think a prostitute is more moral than wife, but they are doing the same thing.."
(Quoted in The Observer newspaper, 1988.) - I can't actually understand that one - any tips?
"It looks as though it was put in by an Indian.."
(On seeing a fuse box while being shown around an Edinburgh factory, 1999.)
"You were playing your instruments weren't you?, or do you have tape recorders under your seats?.."
(To a school band in Cairns, Australia, 2002.)
"Do you still throw spears at each other..?
(To an Aboriginal man on Australia's Tjapukai Aboriginal Cultural Park, 2002.)
"Do you know they have 'eating-dogs' for the anorexics now?.."
(To a blind woman with a guide-dog, 2002.) - I thought that one was quite witty
"If you travel as much as we do you appreciate how much more comfortable aircraft have become. Unless you travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.."
(Commenting during the Jubilee tour, 2002.)
"The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop tourism we could stop the congestion.."
(Commenting on the London traffic debate, after mayor Ken Livingstone forced through his plan to charge motorists £5 to enter the city, 2002.)
"French cooking's all very well, but they can't do a decent English breakfast.."
(Aboard the floating restaurant 'Il Punto' on the river Orwell in Ipswich, after thoroughly enjoying an excellent full English breakfast, Summer 2002 - Il Punto is owned by Frenchman Regis Crepy.) Phil - I much prefer a continental brekkie but that's just me
"You'll have to lose a bit of weight first.."
(Visiting a school, asking a tubby little boy what he wanted to be when he grows up, and being told, 'an astronaut', 2003.)
"Who are you burying today?"
(Arriving to open a Brighton Youth Centre, 2007.) That is very funny - would have been better at a retirement home though - now that would have made worldwide headlines.
Prince Philip: "What did you do in the war?
Woman: I wasn't born until 1954.."
"Can you tell the difference between them?.."
(To US President Obama referring to meeting Gordon Brown, David Cameron and representatives of China and Russia, 2009.)